I can’t think of a clever headline for this one.

I couldn’t really think up anything clever as a headline this time. I’m really tired tonight but I decided to post a little something anyway. I did some Christmas shopping in Corner Brook today – all finished! The last present I had to get was the final piece to Mom’s present. Now I’m done.

I had a moment in the mall today where I sat down on the bench and felt like a big loser. I wanted to get a nice shirt or dress or something to wear to the upcoming Christmas formal that the college puts off every year. I visited my usual store but everything was sold out. Walking around the mall, every clothing store had glistening dresses, beautiful purple and black silks.. everything I love. But they stop at size 16. I’m more then a size 16. I just had to take a moment.

That’s why the picture featured on this post is of me, I’m trying to gather up what enthusiasm I have left of myself and recognize that I’m pretty in my own kinda way and that I don’t need those dresses. I’m still taking that moment.

Gut feelings.

I try not to use this blog as a really personal venue, but tonight at 11:37 p.m., on a Friday after having a painfully long midterm exam week, I find myself in a very sad state.

Try as I might, I couldn’t get my dog Kimo or my grandfather out of my head today. If you’ve been reading along with my blog posts you’d know that both of them are no longer around.

I had an email pop up that I had a comment on one of the videos I have on YouTube, naturally I followed the link and I remembered “jeez, I have a lot of videos on here!” and I started watching them.

I came across a video that I forgot had existed. It’s of some of my family and I having a boil-up (Labrador picnic) at St. Lewis’ bay. My grandfather was in the video. I exploded in tears when I watched it, to see him moving was almost like he was still around and my mind switched to St. Lewis where I envisioned him sat in his chair by the window.

Then I watched another video, one of Kimo. I thought I’d only put a bunch of photos together when I made it but there are several short clips of video mixed in there as well. In some scenes Kimo looks directly at me in the camera and I couldn’t help but long to have him by my side, trying as hard as he could to jump up and lick my face.

It’s been a long stress filled week with exams, assignments, interviews and stories. If there’s anything I know, it’s that when you’re feeling like I am right now, which is really sad, you’ll know to treasure what time you do have with people in your life and start forgiving & loving again.

What I wouldn’t give to take myself back to the Christmas of ’10 where my life would have taken me to St. Anthony to deliver Pop’s Christmas present myself. I admit that I was selfish, that I thought if I had went there he would want to come with me to St. Lewis and both he and I would feel horrible because we both knew he couldn’t leave. I heard he kept my picture by his bedside and started at it for hours.

If you’re gut tells you that you should do something, you should probably do it. You’ll never know if it was the right choice or not, but if it’s done with good intent, it’s probably right. My move was justifiable, but I’ll never forgive myself for not going to see him that day.