I could swear that the light feels different
maybe I’m indifferent
Let me shuffle, cackle, wither under the weight of our sins (your sins)
Don’t bother to convert –
My heart’s made of granite
full of shackles and barnacles
(depending on the guest).
These days were a visceral reminder that you can’t always believe everything you
Who are you when no one’s watching?
I have a picture with that caption posted on a bulletin board above my computer. I notice that little photograph every day, and every day I find I have a new answer to the question. When no one’s watching, sometimes I’m sitting behind this computer screen browsing photographs of my past and wondering, what if? I wish I could say that I’ve been firm with every decision that I’ve made in life thus far, but truthfully, I question a lot of my decisions.
Sometimes I wonder, why am I in Labrador? Why have I not permanently left to try and make a different life for myself? Is it because I’ve got it too good here? – no. The truth is I struggle more than I care to admit. Maybe I’m just afraid of taking a big leap in fear of failing. Some part of me feels like I have unfinished business here, I assume I will just know when the time is right and make the decision whole-fully and not because I’m pressured or running from something.
It’s been the opinion of many that “I’m too smart to be living the type of life I’m living, that I could be doing something better, so much more!” Well, what’s your measurement of “better?” I think that may be your standard, not mine. Sometimes I feel those feelings too. I find myself on the edge of turning 30 and questioning why I don’t have the things that other people have — but the grass is always greener on the other side, and I’ve learned the hard way that comparison is the thief of joy.
It may take me years to find out where I’m truly supposed to be. Who I’m truly supposed to be. Who I’m to be with, or if I’ll be with anyone at all. I think I can say with a grasp of certainty that we’re all just trying to carve our own path the best we can, the only way we know how, and for us to listen to others is foolish. I tend to listen with my head and choose with my heart, though lately I’ve found it’s better to listen with my heart and choose with my head. Lord knows it is not easy for any of us.