Monthly Archives: January 2014

Over(think)

I understand sacrifice.
I understand compassion.

The line “be true to yourself” haunts me every day.

I feel tormented by the absence of people in my life.
It is very easy for people to say, “Go out and make friends.”
It is not easy, today, to just go out and make a friend when everyone looks at each other with their judge-y eyes.
I do it too.
I’ve always considered myself to be a nice person, but I am also a chameleon. I am revealing my truths here, truths that no one really has a need to know.

I understand sacrifice.
I understand compassion.
I understand giving and receiving,
compromise.

I suddenly like heavy metal
I suddenly like Jeeps
I suddenly like color-blocking
and gold polka dots
and Essie nail polish.

I’m a chameleon.
You’re a chameleon.
We’re not risk takers.

Am I blind to the fact that working hard is hardly working for me?
Head down.
Mouth closed.
Keep moving.

Confused,
M.

Sixteen things I wish I knew (or did) when I was a teenager.

Things I wish I knew (or did) when I was a teenager:

1. You lived so close to school, you should have walked or biked there more.

2. Soft drink is shit.

3. You should have spoken up more, you had great ideas.

4. Guilt is a slow and silent killer – do your best and move on.

5. Try harder in math class. You open up so many more opportunities if you can at LEAST do long division (luckily, 2+2 is still 4…. right?)

6. Stop listening to garbage music. You did good there at the end of it though, glad you got over boy bands.

7. Run. Just run until you get tired, and then pick it up again.

8. Don’t be bothered by trivial matters at home. People have their bad days, but they don’t have bad lives. Be supportive but don’t break yourself in the process.

Things I’m glad I did when I was a teenager:

1. Stayed away from drugs/alcohol. So I wasn’t “cool” in school. My life turned out okay, so did I.

2. Spent a lot of time outdoors. Nature is the greatest de-stressor.

3. Took care of a dog for 10+ years. You can learn so much by caring for something other than yourself.

4. Started writing. Even if no one elses eyes will ever see those pages, do it. Finding out who you are is a lot easier if you read what flows from your own pen.

5. Had (and still have) best friends. They are invaluable.

6. Spent a lot of time with my parents. Life is short. Appreciate people who are good to you.

7. Stuck with jobs even though they were the “WORST THING EVARRR.” You learn something from everything you do, whether it’s not take any crap or to give credit where credit is due.

8. Learned the value of saying “I’m sorry.” It’s just as much for you as it is for them.

Love always,

M.

Flicker

When it all comes out
sticks and stones
and broken bones
and you’re about to give up
and drive yourself home
there’s the flicker
the glimmer
trying to make you remember
that not every day is like today
and you’ll wake up and it’ll be okay
and you can’t give up
at a little bad luck
set your standards high
those worth the climb
will find you

M.

Picture this.

Picture this.

You’re walking down a freshly groomed trail in winter, it’s a crystal-clear calm night, just below freezing. Your breath dissipates in the air.

It smells like Christmas and it reminds you of exactly that. It reminds you of when you were a kid, full of awe and excitement about the morning you got to open presents…whereas now you just think “where the hell am I going to put this stuff I’ll never use?”

The cold air mixed with pine and fir trickle down your lungs and settle. It’s a special feeling…amplified by the purity of the moment.

The moonlight bounces off the snow so hard you almost think you should wear an SPF-something-or-other. She doesn’t always make an appearance, but when she does damn does she shine.

The trees crack and moan like they’re sick and tired of standing in line and waiting, but like models, they’re so beautiful to look at. Unlike models, though, they’re much more inclined to stand in the cold – they look amazing no matter the season – and they get better with age.

The air tastes like the harsh undertones in an elders warning. You appreciate their candor, but you’re satisfied to keep moving, confident and cocky to the point of desolation.

The snow crunches beneath your feet, your boots leaving tiny rutty villages behind. It feels all the more apparent that no two snowflakes are alike.

You’re almost home now. You hear the streetlights buzz before they come into full view. The cars whipping by on the highway, a dog barking in the distance.

Thanks for walking with me. Somehow it makes me feel less alone.

M.

SOUNDTRACK: Pictures – Benjamin Francis Leftwich