Gut feelings.

I try not to use this blog as a really personal venue, but tonight at 11:37 p.m., on a Friday after having a painfully long midterm exam week, I find myself in a very sad state.

Try as I might, I couldn’t get my dog Kimo or my grandfather out of my head today. If you’ve been reading along with my blog posts you’d know that both of them are no longer around.

I had an email pop up that I had a comment on one of the videos I have on YouTube, naturally I followed the link and I remembered “jeez, I have a lot of videos on here!” and I started watching them.

I came across a video that I forgot had existed. It’s of some of my family and I having a boil-up (Labrador picnic) at St. Lewis’ bay. My grandfather was in the video. I exploded in tears when I watched it, to see him moving was almost like he was still around and my mind switched to St. Lewis where I envisioned him sat in his chair by the window.

Then I watched another video, one of Kimo. I thought I’d only put a bunch of photos together when I made it but there are several short clips of video mixed in there as well. In some scenes Kimo looks directly at me in the camera and I couldn’t help but long to have him by my side, trying as hard as he could to jump up and lick my face.

It’s been a long stress filled week with exams, assignments, interviews and stories. If there’s anything I know, it’s that when you’re feeling like I am right now, which is really sad, you’ll know to treasure what time you do have with people in your life and start forgiving & loving again.

What I wouldn’t give to take myself back to the Christmas of ’10 where my life would have taken me to St. Anthony to deliver Pop’s Christmas present myself. I admit that I was selfish, that I thought if I had went there he would want to come with me to St. Lewis and both he and I would feel horrible because we both knew he couldn’t leave. I heard he kept my picture by his bedside and started at it for hours.

If you’re gut tells you that you should do something, you should probably do it. You’ll never know if it was the right choice or not, but if it’s done with good intent, it’s probably right. My move was justifiable, but I’ll never forgive myself for not going to see him that day.

One Reply to “Gut feelings.”

  1. I think your grandfather would want you to forgive yourself. We are all only human and prone to making mistakes. I am sure your grandfather knew how much you loved him and the people we love are never truly gone – they live on through us; through our memories of them and through the love they gave us that we pay forward. Be gentle with yourself, especially in times of great stress. In that way you honour your grandfather by honouring yourself. Blessings!

Say anything.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s